The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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