Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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