I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
