____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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