She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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