i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
