Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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