my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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