I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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