My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
