At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
