Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
