He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
