He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
