i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
