Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
