Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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