if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
