I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
