She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
