somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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