Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
