jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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