The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
birth control should be required to get into college
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
