By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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