Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
