There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
