im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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