Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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