I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
