Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
