I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
