Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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