even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
