so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
