Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Mom said you looked used
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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