Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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