that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
