Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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