I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
