My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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