Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
