I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
