I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
