I think my vagina is haunted
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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