he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
