so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
