i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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