I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
