i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
