I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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