It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
