you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
