i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
