WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
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My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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