Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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